


It's Okay... I'm Okay

by Tawny



Category: Wolf's Rain
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 28!, only no comfort, so it's just, sorry.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-12-21 11:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tawny/pseuds/Tawny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last thing Toboe saw was Cheza looking at him through the corner of her eye, as she sang him to sleep.<br/>And then there was bliss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Okay... I'm Okay

He lay there, in the old man's arms, feeling his life ebb away as Toboe's own did as well. The pain... it wasn't so bad. Maybe it was because Cheza was stroking his fur, comforting him. Toboe wanted to cry with her, but only because it was  _Cheza_  who was crying.

He tried to whine, to wag his tail, to let them know that he was okay. But he couldn't, and it scared him.

_Kiba,_  he tried to say, but the words wouldn't form. They were bubbling there, in his throat, coming out in with a raspy whine instead.  _Hige? T-Tsume? Where are you? Am I okay?_  Because in truth, he didn't really know. Toboe knew that a bullet had been fired, and in the heat of the moment, he wasn't sure if it was Pops or Darcia's gun that did it. But Toboe knew he was shot, and then so was Pops.

He knew that, even if the bullet hadn't penetrated as deep as it did, even if it had just grazed his shoulder, he would slowly bleed out, or freeze to death. Whichever came first. But Pops wouldn't be dead, because he would have been there. Toboe would have protected him.

Then, maybe, just maybe, he would be able to stall Darcia until Blue could get there to attack Darcia with him, and Tsume and Kiba, and Hige.

He felt himself tense up as Cheza left his side, walking away.  _Don't go, please! You can't leave me!_

"Pops!" he heard Blue yell, followed by Hige shouting Toboe's name.

He felt hot tears build up inside of him, but it was like Toboe didn't even have the strength to cry. It was scary. But at least he wasn't alone.

"How did this... happen?" Hige asked, sounding like he was on the verge of tears himself. Again, he tried to wag his tail, but he couldn't. Toboe felt Blue kneel beside him, and knew she was sad. But she was more sad about Pops. Of course she would be. Pops was Blue's Granny. Toboe would do anything... anything to see Granny again... Anything... And Toboe killed her.

_No,_  he thought stubbornly.  _Do not go there. Try to keep it together!_

"Don't go," Blue whispered.

_I'm trying..._  Toboe attempted to respond, even though she wasn't talking to him. He felt a stab at his heart string as he felt Pops's breathing catch, squeezed his eyes shut tighter as it faltered, and eventually stilled. It was so desolate now... Toboe was the only thing keeping his lifeless body warm, even though that wouldn't even last long.

"Oh, please no," he heard Hubb say, breathlessly, and Toboe knew the others were coming. "Quent..." Swallowing, Toboe felt Hubb fall to the ground behind Pops, crying. He started to panic then.

Was he _really_ okay? Was he really _here_? Did they know Toboe was there?

All that was dismissed when he felt Kiba's hand on his head. His fear melted. "Toboe," he said calmly, but he could still hear the hurt. Toboe wanted nothing more than to, at that moment, get up and run. He wanted to feel his muscles flexing. And he knew it was because they were dying.

Kiba, dropping the human facade, tilted back his head and howled. The rest soon joined in. Toboe wanted to howl... He wanted to sing to the moon as loud as he could. He wanted to ask her why, ask the moon how come things had to go down this way, though he knew he wouldn't get an answer.

Why do goodbyes have to hurt so much?

"Shiloh, shiloh..." Cheza was singing mournfully to all of the wolves who, aside from Toboe, howled along. He felt himself slipping; No! It can't be this way!

The last thing Toboe saw was Cheza looking at him through the corner of her eye, as she sang him to sleep.

And then there was bliss.

Suddenly, he could move. He could stretch. He could see, but his friends... They weren't there.

But at the time, he didn't care. He could still hear Cheza's song. He was positive he wasn't dead... just dreaming... only dreaming.

Was this Paradise? It was so peaceful... Toboe could run, he could run all he wanted and he wouldn't get tired, and he'd never run out of the vast, endless expanse of grass and hills to run in. It was light out, the sun big, and fat, and bright, but not painful to look at. The gras was tickling Toboe's belly as he ran, as he chased a butterfly, snapping at it and howling with glee when he missed. He watched the yellow bug flit away as Cheza's song ended, and Toboe felt himself grow restless.

"We have to keep moving," he heard Kiba's voice break through it all. Toboe stopped running, turning his head.

It was night now. What happened to the sun? Or the clouds? The clouds had been so pretty, like cotton... They were replaced with a red moon, and stars. "There's no time, we have to go."

"So what's your plan, Porky?" he heard Tsume say. Tsume sounded... angry. Why was Tsume angry? It was alright now! Toboe felt good! He also agreed with Kiba, we had to get moving... had to get there before Darcia. Cheza's song must have healed him in his sleep. That was it! "After coming all this way, what are you gonna do?"

There was sadness in the air as Hige struggled to respond.

"... Where you gonna run to  _this time_?" Toboe faltered, sitting down. They were away, not here, but he could hear them, Toboe could hear them _clear as day_. He just had to find them... To say he was okay.

"I'm not running," Hige said despairingly. "I just figured you guys didn't need me anymore."

"Hige! Don't say that!" yelled Toboe. "We need you! We all do!"

"I guess... you never did."

"No! We always have!" He tilted back his head, letting out a short, confused yip of a howl, though the wind swallowed it up.

"None of us is any more vital than the other, Hige." Yes! Thank you, Kiba! He was saying what the others couldn't hear Toboe say... or what he couldn't get the others to hear. "Nothing is indispensable. Not anymore."

"Except for you." Toboe had stopped his whining, for had continued to yip and call out through all of this to get their attention. "Our paradise can't be opened... unless you're there." Huh? "You're the only one of us... who can go all the way."

… So... Paradise. Was it... was it hopeless? Toboe sat down. Even if they followed Kiba? They wouldn't be able to make it to Paradise? 

"Even Tsume must realize that by now."

… Toboe realized that by now. This wasn't paradise, he was caught between Life and Death. He was in Astral, or something. Toboe couldn't wake up.

"I don't care, I'm still going," he heard Blue's voice ring out. It made Toboe feel more confident. Go Blue! "Even if I'm turned away at the gates of Paradise," she said, making Toboe want to find them, search them out so that he could cheer her on, "I'll keep going for as long as I can. And s _o will you._  We made a pact to  _stay together_ ," she said to Hige. Toboe grinned, walking aimlessly in vain hope to find them. They would make it, he thought. They all will.

Hige didn't answer.

" _Stop making excuses!_ " Blue cried out. " _I know you wanna go!"_   Who didn't want to go to Paradise?

"Blue!" Hige said, shocked. Toboe was, too. He's never seen Blue get that emotional. Or, heard.

Toboe heard something loud, something unsettling. What was that? Were they safe? No; it was distant.

"It's starting to fall apart," Kiba said. "Even this close to Center."

"He's right," Hubb said. "We'd better get moving." Toboe heard him walk around. It sounded like he was walking right in front of him, but Toboe didn't  _see_ him! It was so frustrating! "You don't have to worry about me," he said. "If it feels like I'm slowing you guys down," Toboe heard a click. A gun?! "I'll take care of it myself."

"Hubb! No!" Toboe cried. "You can't!" He jumped in the air, trying to see over the hills. He saw nothing, smelled no one.

"Come on," Hubb continued. "I wanna see how far  _I_ can go, too."

"Wait for me!" Toboe yelled desperately, his voice cracking, whether with fear or hurt that they didn't notice them, he didn't know.

"Go on ahead," he heard Tsume say softly over the relentless shouting the younger wolf was putting off, though shortly after, Toboe shut up to hear what he was saying. "I'll catch up."

Yes! So all he had to do was find Tsume! And then he'll find the others! "Tsume!"

"I wanna talk to the runt for a while."

… Did he have to wait for  _Tsume_  to find  _Toboe?_ He sat down there, dumbstruck.

"... We understand," Kiba spoke for the rest of the... was it really a pack? Toboe had never thought of them as more than a group of wayward wolves, just sticking together long enough to survive onto Paradise. But... He guessed... That was the definition of a pack, huh?

He felt the wind rustle his fur, though the air was still. As Toboe heard their footsteps fade away, he heard their footsteps get closer, too, if that even made sense to say. What the heck? Toboe perked his ears, seeing.. Yes! That was them! Everybody was walking over a hill, save for Tsume. But Tsume was waiting for Toboe, waiting for him to find the older wolf.

"Guys!" he shouted, bounding forward. It annoyed Toboe a little that he couldn't put up a human Veil, but whatever.

"Hige! Blue! I'm here! Kiba!" Toboe bounced in front of them. "Guys?" he questioned, and looked in the direction they were coming from. "I-it's okay, you guys go on! I'm going to go find Tsume!"

He was a little miffed at how close Tsume was. If he hadn't sat down, Toboe would have probably ran into them a lot sooner, found them a lot sooner. They would have seen that he was okay. Toboe ran off in Tsume's direction. He could see him. Toboe heard a boom behind him, after a star fell from the sky. But it was okay, he didn't stop running. Tsume was there.

"Tsume! You wanted to talk to me?" he said breathlessly, padding up behind him, tail wagging.

"Look at you," he said. "I didn't realize how big you've grown." Toboe looked down at his chest, at his paws, then turned his had to look at his back. Same old Toboe.

"Who, me?" he asked, a dopey grin on his face, tongue hanging out. But his face fell, pressing his ears to the back of his head. "Tsume, why do you look sad?"

"When I first met you, I don't think I've ever seen such a scrawny little pup," he said.

"I was hungry!" he defended, ears perking again, indignant, with a snort.

"Heh, I knew back then what a sucker you were when it came to humans, but..."

"Who, Leara? I was hungry, I told you! And she had food!"

"I guess, I never really understood how much they meant to you until now."

He sat behind Tsume. "Tsume, look at me." What was he looking at? There certainly was something interesting on the ground over there. Was Tsume really that bad at expressing emotions? Did he have to stare at the ground in order to tell Toboe something like how much he missed Pops? That's what this was, right?

"I don't know."

"What?"

"Maybe I was jealous."

"..."

"Are you listening, Toboe?"

"... Ts-Tsume?"

"You once asked me... How I got this scar on my chest," he said."Do you remember that?" Toboe swallowed and nodded, afraid to speak. He'd never seen Tsume so... vulnerable. "This mark," he said, his head bowing more, "is a reminder of my sin." His words were a double edged sword. He was trying to comfort Toboe; yet he ended up ripping his own pain raw be reliving this. That just made Toboe hurt all over.

"... Your... Your sin, Tsume?"

"I ran away. My friends were being slaughtered, and I abandoned them. They knew what I had done. And banished me from the pack."

"... Oh, Tsume..." It seemed like he had nothing to say. Toboe had a million things to say, but he couldn't voice one of them.

"I didn't  _need_ any friends. I never trusted them." Toboe whined, walking up to Tsume, poking his leather-clad back with his nose.

"Tsume, it's okay. You can trust us. You do trust us, right...?" his thoughts lingered on Hige.

"All I ever did was betray the people around me... until I met the three of you. I wanted... to take you to Paradise..." his voice was shaky. "You were the one... who brought me all the way.. here..."

"Come on, Tsume!" Toboe tugged on his sleeve, and then pawed at his back. "Let's go! I believed in you... I won't whine anymore, and I won't run away. I promise! Just please... please, let's go! "

"Yeah. I know kid. I know." Toboe didn't miss the tear tracking its way down Tsume's cheek, and he felt his throat seize up. _Tsume didn't cry_. When Tsume cried, everybody cried.

"I'm okay, see? It's okay, I'm alright!" So now Toboe was crying. It hurt. Didn't Tsume hear him? Why couldn't he hear him? He nuzzled Tsume's arm, but he didn't respond. "Tsume!" he yelled, now frustrated.

He stood up. "Old man," he said. "Take care of the runt for me." It was only then did Toboe see what he was looking at.

I was lying there, still. In Pops's arms. It didn't make sense. How was he... and then here? Was he...? !

"See ya," he said, walking off.

"Yeah," he said, feeling as if the ground didn't exist anymore. He stumbled to the side, taking a step to steady himself. "... See you."

**Author's Note:**

> This is a heavily edited repost from Fanfiction.Net.  
> I originally wrote this December of 2011.


End file.
